That’s what I would tell the random relative who asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up.
I probably said that statement with some manner of annoyance or sass but there was truth to it. When I was 10, I wanted to be an actor - I love movies and have always wanted to be a part of them. Before that, a paleontologist because I was five and obsessed with Jurassic Park. The older I got the jobs became more realistic: animator, architect, journalist, lawyer, and photographer. The strange thing is that that I never wanted to be just one of those jobs, I somehow wanted all of them. Everything felt infinite and boundless, until high school, which along with my parents, brought me back down to reality.
I finished university, obtaining a really expensive piece of paper that told everyone I knew the fundamentals of politics. From there I ended up spending a couple of years working for a business. I enjoyed the job; the pay wasn’t bad, but something inside of me was yearning for a change. I found myself back in school getting my diploma to become a paralegal, while concurrently pursuing photography as a hobby/business.
This is just a long way of saying I don’t know who I am, but I know who I want to be. For once in my life, I’m eager to keep trying to get to that point but to also relinquish some control and let the universe guide me there. I’m looking forward to finishing school and spending a few years being a paralegal/photographer. Then maybe I’ll apply to law school or for my master’s in criminology and focus my research into what makes a person a killer; what makes someone not just think about murder, but actually enjoy the act (I looked into what I can do with my current degree and diploma). Not saying that I plan on doing any of these things but I’m in love with the idea that I’m not limited to who I am right now.
I’ve always considered myself a consumer of content. I like watching, listening, reading about anything and everything. To me even the worst movie or book gives you some kind of insight. I want to live a life fulfilled, one where I am constantly moving and in pursuit of the next thing. Hell, I want to ultimately use my photography to become a travel writer.
I’m learning not to question my suffering but to wholly embrace it. If it wasn’t for my current position in life, I wouldn’t have made the realization of the changes I need. But that’s what I’m going to do, face all the things I need to explore with brutal honesty head on before my own mortality catches up with me.